Everything I said in my last post was called into serious question when my family and I moved from our beloved Texas to Northwest Arkansas. God had called us up here for His own purposes and we would not ignore Him. Though sad about leaving all my grandparents, closest friends, and Christian Youth Theater, I was excited about the adventure and left with total confidence in God’s perfect plan.
Little did I dream of the extreme loneliness I would feel during our first year in Arkansas. Not a clue did I have of the onslaught of stress over my school work. Nor was I prepared to face a season of depression during my last year in high school. The most painful part of remembering these experiences is how I responded to them. I knew the answer to all of these problems was to lean into God. But in my pride, I thought I could discover a way to win these battles in my own strength. How hypocritical and foolish of me! I despised myself because I wasn’t nearly as good as I wanted to be. Actually, I was unhappy because I couldn’t be perfect. During this season, I slowly came to understand how often I try to control my life and “be good” not because I want to please God, but because I wanted to show off.
I had to make a decision on how I was going to live for the rest of my life. I could own and work toward my dreams, stressing over everything all the way, and perhaps never realize them. Or, I could release them back to my Lord and let Him provide for me as He has always done in the past. When I was lonely, He comforted me with His love, and He led me and my family to a church devoted to authenticity and loving all people. When I was stressed, He sat next to me and gave me the wisdom and strength to work through every academic issue. When I was depressed, He stepped in with all His power and cast Satan out of my thoughts. I have chosen to live every moment in His presence. I am still far from total success. Every time a stressful situation has come up, I have to say no to the stress that wants to bubble out of me. But, the true war in my story is already won, and Jesus has the victory. To Him be all the glory.
Moving to Arkansas was one of the hardest things my family has ever had to do. Yet, if we had stayed down in good ole’ Texas, where we were known and loved and comfortable, how could we have grown? How could we have learned to trust God for every provision? These past two years up here forced me to answer one of the most crucial questions in a Christian’s journey: How will you take ownership of your faith?
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